Last night, as I shared my life lessons with a loved one, I realized that none of my most valuable lessons felt good when I was learning them. In fact, they still don't. Yet, I'm filled with gratitude for the wisdom to choose learning over rumination. These lessons, born from pain, have shaped who I am today. They've taught me about dependence, ownership, desires, powerlessness, and priorities. Join me as I delve into these transformative experiences.
Lesson 1: What and to Whom I Was Dependent On
There are some things and people you think you’ll never be without…until you’re without them. And even then, you’re hardly ever immediately ready to accept this new reality. For me, that looked like absolute denial and a desperate attempt to make things “how they used to be”. “If I just wait it out things will settle down and go back to normal.” 🥴 Boy, was I wrong. My humanity felt like I needed things to be just right in order for me to feel happiness. I thought I needed what I’d always had…I didn’t know any other way. After finally realizing that I didn’t have the power to change the hands of time (or the minds of other people), I started to toy with the idea of…what if I don’t need things to be how they used to be? What if I don’t actually need everything to look how it used to? Initially that thought seemed scary, and I was entirely uninterested in exploring that. However, once I dipped my toe in the sea of solitude, it didn’t seem quite so scary anymore. I found a small silver lining of suffering. I learned my capacity apart from certain environments and people, and dare I say, I surprised myself with a new level of indepdence. Don't get me wrong, I'm a strong advocate of thriving in and with community. Just make sure it's a community that feeds you more than it takes from you, loves you more than it hurts you, challenges you in ways that make you better, and supports the evolution of you. Our community should serve as a guide, not a god.
Lesson 2: What’s Mine and What’s Not
I remember shortly after losing my mom, sharing with my therapist that “I keep getting hurt every time I try to repair it.” She gently asked me, “Who told you to do that?” After swallowing my attitude from being challenged, I had to genuinely think about that. What is making me feel responsible for this? How much of this is actually on me? It can be so tempting to take every offense personally. While we certainly have a part in some of our pain, there are some instances where it literally has nothing to do with us. I admonish you to consider what is actually yours to carry, and what offense belongs to someone else. If you find that you’re holding tightly to someone else’s cross…put it on the altar, friend.
Lesson 3: To Explore My Own Desires
What do I actually want? This is a question I had to ask myself when it became clear that I was going to have to create a new “normal”. Growing up, or at least in my childhood, I didn’t have to answer that question much because it was determined for me…and I was okay with that! I didn’t have to think about what I was going to eat, where or if I was going to school, whether or not I was going to church, or what I would do with my family. It was quite the worry-free childhood! Man, the life of things just being laid out for me was pretty sweet. I cherish my developmental years, because they are apart of my story and I have so many beautiful memories from them. However, sometimes it can be scary to grow out of that stage. When decisions are made for you, there’s an assurance that if it goes wrong, it’s not your fault. But what happens when I have to start making life decisions of my own? I’ll tell you what happens: You learn that fear is a cowardly bully that backs down when you stand up to it. Every “What if it fails?” is met with a “What if it works out?”. Your “But I’ve never done this alone” is challenged by “Now is a great time to try”. Had you told me after experiencing the greatest loss of my life that I’d publish an online devotional, buy a house, travel alone, start a blog, advance as a public speaker, create a brand, and win The National 2024 Best Auntie of the Year award, I wouldn’t have believed you. (Disclaimer: One of those may or may not have been a small exaggeration, but you get my point.) Friend, what is holding you back from what you really want?
Lesson 4: I Am Not Powerless
At the onset of my grief journey, I felt completely powerless. The fact that I couldn’t bring my mom back, I couldn’t control what people were saying about my family, I couldn’t control how anyone else responded to pain, and I couldn’t take anyone’s pain away rendered me weak. There were times I begged God to take the pain away. I didn’t want to feel anything because it all felt like too much. Not dissimilar from Apostle Paul in 2 Corinthians.
“Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, 'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness'...”
In this, I learned that what help and power in weakness really looked like. I shared about it at a speaking engagement last year.
Lesson 5: A Fresh Perspective on Priorities
One thing that grief gifted me was a new perspective. The petty, menial things that used to upset me or “make” me get out of character - don’t. I realize now more than ever that our days are numbered and people come and go. Hold tight to those you love. Make amends. Hold your head high and advocate for yourself. Practice humility when you are wrong. Set boundaries when you are wronged. Store up lots of grace for others, because you’ll certainly need it yourself.
If you find yourself waiting for feelings of hurt or pain to be over, I get it. I'd like to offer an alternative perspective: This life will be full of trials and hardships. Problems are sure to come and pain is certain to follow it...but so is joy. Joy will come again. Happiness will find you again. It may not feel like it now, but I promise this deep sorrow won't last forever. Instead of holding your breath and waiting for it to pass, let out that deep sigh, let those tears fall, scream your disappointment, and let your anger out...for it's all apart of the very natural process of grief. Contrary to popular belief, suppressing this part does not make you stronger. Robbing yourself of the ugly side of grief is only prolonging your journey to the relief you seek.
So much love,
Brianna
Did you know I have a digital devotional on grief? Enjoy.
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